


Living with Goodbye

by ByAStream



Series: Of Love, Loss, and Finding It All Again [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21662608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ByAStream/pseuds/ByAStream
Summary: Moving on is a process and sometimes, grief feels like it will never end.
Relationships: Natasha Romanov/Reader
Series: Of Love, Loss, and Finding It All Again [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1561702
Kudos: 39





	Living with Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> There's canon character death in this; can stand alone but is a follow up to 'Oceans'.

Maybe if you closed your eyes and wished hard enough, you’d find that it was all a dream. You hadn’t had time to process before fighting Thanos, again. When the Soul Stone was being retrieved, two people left, one came back and Natasha wasn’t the one who came back. Clint had just held you when you screamed. Everyone had been stunned, not realizing that retrieving the stone would come at such a cost. 

You remembered the moments before they left. You and Natasha had been balancing delicately on a thin sheet of glass for a while, things never quite the same after the Snap. You felt like you’d lost her long ago but that didn’t stop the ache in your chest. The kiss you’d shared before she and Clint left had been the first kiss you’d shared in months. You hadn’t realized at the moment that she had slid a letter into the pocket of your hoodie. You had sat out the retrieval of the stones. When only Clint returned and you found the letter later that night, you couldn’t bring yourself to read it. The pain was too fresh, and you weren’t so sure you’d ever be ready to read whatever it was Natasha had written. 

* * *

You sat on the dock, watching as the sun started its descent below the horizon. The day had been full of grief, of emotions you couldn’t quite put into words. You saw where Wanda and Clint stood. Clint, who you had been avoiding since that day. He had tried to speak to you several times, but unless it was about the task at hand, you hadn’t wanted to hear it. You were startled out of your thoughts by someone sitting down next to you. You were surprised to see Steve. 

“She loved you,” Steve said, breaking the silence. You sighed.

“She had a hell of a way of showing it sometimes,” you said, picking up a rock from the small collection you had gathered. Skipping rocks had always been something you did when you got lost in thought, the ripples calming you. With a flick of your wrist, the rock skidded across the surface, before sinking as you and Steve watched. 

“I know we’ve never really gotten along or spoken much. But if there was ever one thing I was certain of, it was that she loved you,” he said. 

“Maybe once she did, but...but the last few years,” you started to say. He shook his head.

“Were difficult on us all. You and Nat had a different relationship to the one she and I had as friends. But she pushed you away because she was scared of losing you too,” he said. 

“I feel like I lost her long before I did,” you said, your voice breaking. You tried to hold back the tears, but once they started, you couldn’t stop them. 

“It’s impossible to go through what we have and be unaffected,” he said, picking up a pebble from the pile and skimming it across the surface of the water. The two of you sat in silence for a while, the silence broken by the sounds of rocks hitting the water. 

“She gave me a letter before she left. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to read it,” you admitted. Steve gave you a sad smile.

“I’d say healing comes with time, but truth is, sometimes, things never heal and if they do, maybe they don’t heal quite right. We can’t change what happened. Maybe you’ll never feel ready. And that’s okay. But if you’re avoiding it to pretend that she’s not gone, that she’s going to come home...avoiding it won’t bring her back,” he said solemnly. 

“I’d give anything for five more minutes with her. Just...to say goodbye, to say I love you. God, we didn’t even...before she and Clint left,” you said, not managing to get the words out completely.

“I think she knew. I think there’s no way she didn’t know. You know, you always got this look on your face when you saw her. Like everything was going to be okay, that no matter what was going on, you’d be okay,” he replied, his voice breaking for the first time since he sat down beside you. 

“That’s a lot to take in from one look, Captain,” you said, laughing a little through the tears that were falling. He shrugged, a small smile on his face.

“She was your home as much as you were hers. We talked about you sometimes,” he said. The two of you sat at the end of the dock talking for a while longer. You felt like some of the weight that had been resting heavily on your shoulders had lifted away.

* * *

When it came time for the stones to be returned, you weren’t sure what to expect. Bucky seemed like he hadn’t expected to see Steve return, but when he reappeared, Bucky just nodded. You glanced between the two men, feeling like there was something you were missing. 

Things slowly returned to normal, or as normal as they could for the Avengers in the wake of losing Natasha and Tony. Steve was retiring from actively working as an Avenger, passing the shield to Sam. Everyone was falling into place. Except for you. You had been avoiding Clint for two months and Christmas was approaching. He had extended in invitation through Steve for you to spend it with his family. You weren’t sure you were ready for that. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Bucky asked, coming to sit beside you. The compound was slowly but surely being rebuilt. Your residences had been among the first things completed, ensuring the Avengers had a place to stay and train. 

“Clint invited me for Christmas,” you said, taking a sip of your water.

“And you’re upset by this,” he said, taking in your appearance. You were hunched over, clutching tightly to your phone. You had just finished speaking with Steve. While retired from the field, he was still assisting with training, and with paperwork...and apparently meddling in the lives of those around him. While you hadn’t been close with him before everything that happened, in the time since, you’d found yourself talking to him more and opening up to him. 

“Nat loved his family,” you said. 

“And she loved you. I knew her. Before. If you told me when I broke free from Hydra, before I knew any of you, that the Black Widow was capable of loving another person, and loving them so deeply...she loved you kid,” he said, settling on leaving it at that. 

“She wasn’t an emotionless robot, Barnes,” you shot back. He shook his head.

“That came out wrong. What I’m saying is...in our line of work...letting emotions come into play was always a danger, one you couldn’t afford. To see her so relaxed, to see her letting her guard down with someone, it was unexpected but not unwelcome. Seeing the two of you...it made me believe I could have the same thing, someday,” he said. You nodded in understanding.

“You’re not your sins, Barnes. What you did, it’s not on you,” you replied, desperate to change the subject to something other than you, other than Natasha. He nodded.

“We’re not talking about me. You’ll accept the invite. You’ll go see Clint and his family. And maybe, maybe you’ll start letting yourself move on,” he said before standing up. You took a moment to think about what he said. Part of you wanted to prove him wrong, but the other part knew you couldn’t hide from Clint forever. Avoiding the discussion you needed to have was quickly becoming a non-option, if it ever was an option at all. Suddenly, you realized Bucky was heading for the kitchen. 

“Wait, Barnes where are you going, why are you going in the kitchen?” you asked, suddenly filled with fear.

“It’s my turn to cook,” he said with a smirk. You scrambled to your feet to follow after him. Bucky had mastered a lot of things in the 21st century. Cooking with modern appliances was not one of them, especially if he decided to experiment. And Bucky loved to experiment, you had found. 

* * *

You still had some of Natasha’s things. Things that had been stored at the apartment you two had shared in the city, away from the compound, away from everyone, or what had been left of everyone. You had spent the night there before she’d gone with Clint for the Soul Stone. The two of you may have been drifting apart, further than you ever had been, but you still knew each other well enough to know you both needed the space away from the others. Few words had been spoken that night, just a tense silence. Roommates who shared a bed was what you had become. There were times that night you had felt like she was about to say something, about to make a move, but it had never come. You’d gone to bed, an early wake up to get back to the compound, and that was it. 

You had given up the apartment after the new rooms were done at the compound. At least at the compound, you were less haunted by her memory. The apartment hurt too much, held too many memories of nights spent together after difficult missions, of touches and kisses, whispered promises that would never be fulfilled. Staying there in the aftermath of everything had been too hard. Instead, you had stayed with Pepper and Morgan. Pepper understood in a way the others couldn’t. You remembered the conversation you’d had with Pepper just a couple weeks prior as the two of you packed the apartment.

_ “It’s okay to feel conflicted,” Pepper had said. You stared up at her from where you were sat on the bedroom floor. You were holding Nat’s pillow in your hand. Her scent hadn’t yet faded from it.  _

_ “Do you think it will ever stop hurting?” you asked her. She gave you a sorrow filled smile before sitting down beside you.  _

_ “I think sooner or later it stops feeling like a punch to the gut when someone mentions them. I don’t think it will ever stop hurting completely. Love is a funny thing. It makes you care about someone so deeply that when they’re suddenly gone, you have to relearn life without them even though you don’t want to. It gets easier, or so they say. But there will always be days where it hits you,” she said. She wrapped an arm around your shoulder and pulled you close so your head rested on her shoulder. Something caught your eye on the dresser.  _

_ Staring back at the both of you was a photo of the team, before everything had gone to hell. Tony’s head was thrown back in laughter at something Pepper had said, you and Nat were curled up on a couch in conversation with Sam and Clint. Steve stood in the background talking with Wanda, Vision, and Bruce while watching everything going on. Sharon Carter had taken the photo. It was one of the few photos of everyone. Pepper followed your line of sight. _

_ “I remember that night. One of the last night’s before the Accords,” she said. You nodded. _

_ “And then everything went downhill,” you said. She sighed, bringing a hand up to your head as she just stroked the top in a comforting gesture.  _

_ “But that night was a good one. We couldn’t have known then what was going to happen anymore than we could have known that Natasha would sacrifice herself for the stone or Tony would sacrifice himself for us all,” she said. You nodded. _

_ “I try to remember the good. I do. But the years haven’t been kind to us,” you’d told her.  _

_ “It hasn’t been all bad. Try to remember that. We lost them, yes. But remember the good. Remember the why. They knew the risks just as much as we did. If the roles were reversed,” Pepper started to say. You let out a laugh. _

_ “If the roles were reversed, Natasha wouldn’t be nearly as much of a mess as I am,” you said. Pepper frowned.  _

_ “She loved you,” Pepper said. You felt the sting of tears in your eyes.  _

_ “The day she died was the first time we had kissed in over three years. We may as well have just been roommates at that point,” you said.  _

_ “Things were complicated,” she said. You nodded. _

_ “They were. But...complicated may as well have been one of Natasha’s alias’,” you said. That drew a laugh from Pepper and soon the two of you were remembering the better times, not dwelling on the tense topic that had filled the room. By the end of the day everything had been packed, except for the photo. Instead, you carried the photo with you to the car. When you returned to the compound, and to your room, you placed it on your nightstand. It was the only picture in the room. You felt like you could breathe a little easier. You still cried as you fell asleep that night, the pain of the losses still too fresh, still too real.  _

You were pulled out of the memory by a smell. It was as if Natasha had just walked past, fresh from a shower. You checked the box that held a bottle of it, and found it wasn’t open or leaking. As quickly as the scent had hit you, it was gone. You shook your head. You had to have been imagining things. As you turned your head, you saw the letter sitting on the floor. You could have sworn it had been tucked away safely in a drawer. You picked it up and set it back in its place. You still weren’t ready. You sighed as you sat back down on the bed. The picture caught your eye. 

“I should call Clint,” you mumbled to yourself. 

* * *

A week later saw you arriving at the farmhouse. It was Christmas Day. You had taken a red-eye out of New York to arrive for Christmas with the Barton’s. You had arrived earlier in the day but had a bit of a drive from the airport. Laura was the first to come outside and greet you. You stood leaning against the car you had rented, arms crossed, bags at your feet. One bag containing your clothes, the other containing presents for the Barton family.

“It’s scary how many of her mannerisms you picked up,” Laura said before pulling you into a hug. For once, a mention of Natasha didn’t feel like a stab to the heart.

“Yeah, so I’ve heard,” you said. You glanced behind her. You saw movement by a window, but it was too low to the ground to be Clint.

“He’s inside. You two have a lot to discuss but it can wait until after lunch. How was the flight out?” she asked as the two of you headed inside. Lunch was filled with laughter, mostly from the kids. You still hadn’t spoken to Clint directly. After lunch, you and Clint headed outside to talk. You were walking the property.

“It should have been me,” Clint said. You shook your head.

“Clint-,” you started to say before he cut you off. You knew you weren’t going to get to say your piece until he was done.

“No. I need you to listen, let me say what I need to. She sacrificed herself. I was willing to be the one, but I jumped, and she went after me and stopped me. She...she wouldn’t let me be the one to die. I let you down,” he said. 

“No, no Clint. When Natasha...when she made her mind up about something...the second...the second you knew what you had to knew, hell maybe the second you two left, she knew. She knew what she was going to do. She loved you, she loved your family. If sacrificing herself meant they got you back too if we succeed,” you said, your voice starting to break. 

“It should have been me,” he repeated, his voice cracking with emotion. You pulled the archer into a hug as you both broke down. 

“She told me it was okay,” Clint said. You nodded, wiping the tears that were still falling from your eyes.

“If she said it, she meant it,” you said. 

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“It wasn’t your fault. I’ve had time to think. A lot of it. I was angry. Angry that you were still here and she was gone and why didn’t you die? Why did it have to be Natasha? But...but I realized. I’m not the only one hurting. I’m not the only one who lost someone. If Natasha could see how I handled this...how I shut you out, how I blamed you? She’d be pissed,” you said, a shaky laugh escaping you. Clint cracked a smile.

“You know what she’d say don’t you?” he questioned. You nodded. 

“Yeah...yeah I do,” you replied. 

* * *

A few days later you were back in New York. When you got to your room, the letter was sitting on the right side of the bed, what had been Natasha’s side, right on the old pillow of hers that you had left on the bed after a particularly rough night before you left to see Clint and his family. You picked it up and sat down, kicking off your shoes. You had slowly started putting more pictures up around the room, including one of you and Natasha from just after you had gotten together. Tony had taken it without either of you noticing...at least without  _ you  _ noticing. You were certain Natasha must have realized he was there. 

“Alright. Let’s see what this says,” you said to yourself. Carefully, you opened the sealed envelope. You took a breath before looking at the letter. 

‘ _ My dear one,  _

_ If you’re reading this, it means I’m not coming home. Otherwise, I would have gotten it out of your pocket before you even realized it was there.  _

_ I know I haven’t been the best to you these past few years. The stress of it all took its toll on us, on our relationship. But know that I love you. I’ve never stopped. In some way, I was protecting myself by pushing you away. We’ve already lost so much. I’m not sure what I would do if I lost you too. It’s selfish of me. To push you away like I have. But I promised myself. If I make it back from this, I will be better. I won’t allow myself to continue to push you away. In a twisted way, I believed I was protecting you too, so that when the time inevitably comes that I don’t come home, you won’t hurt as badly as I know I will if the time ever comes that you’re the one who doesn’t return.  _

_ You’re it for me. I love you. I will spend forever regretting the way I’ve acted the last few years, the missed moments, the lost affection. I have been anything but fair to you. I hope I’m wrong. I hope that this letter becomes something I burn rather than one you have to read. I want to make up for the lost time, make things right. _

_ No matter what, my love, we’re doing this. Whether I’m there beside you or not. We’re bringing our family home. There is nothing in this universe that will stand between us and bringing everyone home. I can only hope that I’m at your side when we do. _

_ Forever yours, _

_ Natasha’  _

You were sobbing. It was a new side to Natasha that you had rarely seen in the years you had been together. Vulnerability was never her strong suit. There was an extra page she had written, full of promises of what would be in store when she made it home. It made your heart ache. You wondered if she had meant to include it, knowing that the letter was something you would only see if she didn’t make it home. It occurred to you that it was the reason why it was there. She wanted you to know she meant it, every word. Even if they were promises she would never get to make good on, at least you knew. And that was enough. You lifted your head and for a moment, you swore you saw her out of the corner of your eye, but when you looked again there was nothing there, except for the faint smell of her body wash. 

* * *

The New Year saw you making your way to the memorial marker on the grounds. One had been placed for Natasha and another for Tony. You held a singular rose in your hand. You had avoided the area on your excursions around the grounds. You sat down in front of the stone. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t come here sooner. I...I had a lot to work through. I know you’re not here but...people say sometimes it can help, talking to you. I’ve tried. But...I never know what to say. I read the letter you left me. I’m sorry it took me so long. In some way, if I never read it, I didn’t have to believe you were gone and that you weren’t coming home,” you said. You sat there for some time. When you checked your watch, you saw it had been over two hours. You were freezing as you set the rose down on the stone. 

“Bye Nat. I love you,” you said. For the first time in a while, it felt like all of the weight was off your shoulders. You caught the scent of her again. You just shook your head. You weren’t usually one to believe in that sort of thing, but if the past years had taught you anything, it was that anything was possible. 

You walked into the common area to find the boys arguing over something playfully. You made eye contact with Wanda, who just smiled at you.

“How was it?” she asked quietly. You smiled back at her.

“Good. It was...overdue,” you said, as you grabbed an apple from the counter. The two of you fell into easy conversation, watching your teammates as they acted like children. You felt settled, like you could move forward. As the team settled in for the evening, the sun broke through the clouds, shining down on the field and the two memorials sitting under a tree. 

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find me on tumblr: jbbarnesnnoble.tumblr.com


End file.
